Reviewed by SexHerald Staff
So, you’re into cum shot films…but you say you’ve seen them all, all the clip jobs by Red Light, Diabolic, Anabolic, even the off-the-wall Asian and German stuff. Well, if you’re tired of the same new faces all over the place, then take a trip down memory side with Monster Facials.com the Movie 5.
It may be hard to believe now, but back in the mid 1990s, a visit to the adult film store was a much simpler affair. The average selection was paltry to decent, and your choice of films that specialized in cum shots was, relatively speaking, limited. One of your choices was a low-budget series by a nebbishy-type named Rodney Moore, who dubbed himself the King of Crème.
Essentially, Rodney was the poor man’s Peter North, known then and now for his buff bod and quart-sized cum shots that are the stuff of porn legend. It didn’t matter that Rodney looked like a cross between Weird Al Yankovic and Dr. Who. He came in large quantities, and wanted to cum on pretty women’s faces. By Jove, that’s what he did!
Monsterfacials.com the Movie 5 is one of the byproducts of that vision and the better part of three decades spent ejaculating on women’s faces. You have to love a guy who makes his DVD’s title a free ad for his website and makes his actresses wear t-shirts proclaiming that they “survived a Rodney blast.”
The DVD menu, like the back of the box, is the porn version of a police lineup of blast survivors. Most of the girls you’ll see, you’ve never seen before and never will again. Rodney baptizes a broad spectrum of woman – blondes, brunettes, young girls, black girls, women with glasses, Asian beauties - so you’ll have your pick of faces.
Now, fair warning: It’s not high art. In fact, it’s about as gut-bucket as you can get, so don’t look for much in the way of a plot or transitions. And some of the footage is so dated you may just make you shake your head and laugh. But you might be surprised to find that Rodney was ahead of the curve on trends such as making himself part of the flick and filming from the viewer’s Point Of View (POV), which he touted as Rodneyvision.
Plus, you’ll get to see some porn stars well before their primes. Fans of black-themed porno will recognize a young Obsession, who shows she had the right stuff from the start. The alluring light-skinned honey gives her patented messy lollipop treatment to Rodney’s cock, right over a soup bowl that collects her saliva and his man goo. She slurps the concoction at the end of an all-too brief and abridged scene.
And you’ll also get hard-to-find oldies but goodies like Naudia Nyce, an underappreciated Asian pretty young thing who elevated playing with cum to an art form in the late 1990s - long before today’s sperm marathons. She’s in two scenes and she’s absolutely filthy in both.
While some would consider this archive footage (especially the older stuff) nothing more than filler, I’m OK with that. Trust me, it is still worth watching… if nothing else as a relic of a porn forgotten, a strange far-off world where not-so-hot dudes with averaged sized cocks, a camera and a dream made their sexual fantasies reality.
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